A Christmas Miracle

On Sunday December 6th I woke up and felt an incredible urge to take a pregnancy test. This is not the first time this has happened. In fact since last August (2008) I have taken about 13 pregnancy tests. That is when we some what began trying and officially began in Oct of 08. Anyway, That Sunday morning was a bit different. I had been plagued with lack of sleep the night before. I got out my baby name book (that I keep on my night stand for easy access) and began rummaging the pages. I NEVER test before the 20th of each month, so I had already begun to tell myself to chill out! However, not five minutes later I found myself ripping open a new test. It was one of those expensive ones that read NOT PREGNANT or PREGNANT. I had taken one on the twentieth of November and was not surprised to see the NOT PREGNANT sign glare at me. I held the test in my hand and whispered a prayer "God, PLEASE make a miracle!" Not even a minute later the PREGNANT sign lite up right before my eyes. I could not believe it. I ran to the bedroom door and called BJ to "COME QUICK!" He ran over to me and I showed him. We both laughed and cried and praised God! I could not believe it!

On December 8th I went to my first doctors appointment. I had not ovulated in about a year and had not had a period in over 4 months so I had no idea how far along I was. All I knew was that I took a pregnancy test on Nov 20th and that it was negative. The dr ordered an ultrasound and We couldn't see anything except and empty sac. The ultrasound tech told me that without an actual baby it would be impossible to know how far along I was. Dr. McAfee then ordered a blood test. He told me, "Stephanie this may be a bad pregnancy so I am gonna have your hCG levels checked to find out what is going on." We scheduled another ultrasound for 2 weeks later just to double check. The next day they called me and told me that the blood test was bad and I needed to come back in on Thursday the 10th to talk to the Dr. I was devastated. Bj was positive and told me that maybe I just needed to take some hormone pills.

Bj, Lillie and I arrived at the Dr right on time. The wait in the waiting room was AGONY but nothing could have prepared us for the news we would hear. When we came into Dr McAfees office I could tell right away that things were not good. He told us that my hCG was less than 5 and that the baby was not going to make it. He then explained how I could either go home and wait for my body to "abort the baby" or he could do a dnc to remove the baby. Bj and I were SHOCKED! "umm... cant we just wait?" I said. The Dr could tell we were more than shaken and he told me to go home and come back for my ultrasound and if I had not miscarried by then we would discuss removing the baby more. As I walked out of the office holding Bjs hand I began to sob. It was a cry that I have never cried before. I wept for my baby. I cried the entire way home and for a long while after wards. I remember just lying on my bed sobbing uncontrollably. BJ came in and set by me. He said "Honey this is not over! We are not accepting that bad report!" That night I could not sleep at all. I got up and researched hCG levels.. what was normal.. what was not.. what did it mean? I found out something interesting. A person HAD to have a hCG level HIGHER than 5 in order for a test to read positive.. in fact some websites said Higher that 40!.. I Ran into the bathroom and grabbed another pregnancy test. It was positive. What did this mean???? Was my blood test bad? I was so confused.

Over the next week or so I began to seek God for answers. I told Pastor Paula (our pastors wife) what was going on in the midst of all my turmoil. She looked at my tear soaked face and told me a story. She said, " When Jacob was told that his son Joseph had died the bible says that no one could console him. That he was overcame with grief for more than 2 years. But Joseph was never dead, he was alive. Later when they found him he was working for the king and actually helped save them in their time of trouble." She said,"God had a plan for Joseph! DON'T waste time in sorrow... when God has a plan for you!" She was right. I was wasting my time mourning my child. But my child was not dead! I then decided that until I SAW a miscarriage.. my baby was ALIVE! I began to praise God for the life that is inside me! I would say over and over, "Thank you Lord that my child will live and not die! Thank you Lord for health in my body. Thank you Lord that this baby will go full term!" Bj and I began to stand on the promises of God. It was not easy.

I learned so much about myself in these last two weeks. I learned how simply amazing my husband is. I am so blessed to have him beside me. He is my strength when I have non.. he holds my hands up. I also learned how great some of my friends are. I did not tell a lot of people about what was going on. In fact besides Bj I told 4. I needed to spill out what was going on but I also needed someone to call me and see how I was. To help be my strength when Bj wasn't around. And they did! Thank you to those that have loved me in such a special way through this time! It means more to me than you will ever know. For those of you that I did not tell.. it was not because I don't love you. Its because I could not bare to tell you I was pregnant and have to go back and tell you later that I was not.

On Monday the 21st I had made up my mind that the blood test was false. I called the Drs office and asked the nurse if I could go ahead and take another blood test that day so that when I came in for my apt on wed the results would be in. She asked the dr and came back saying, "umm Dr McAfee wasn't going to order another blood test for you. He doesn't think you need one." I could tell they thought I was insane... "PLEASE!" I said, " I really feel like the test was not right and I want to redo the same test again.. just to be sure." She asked the dr and came back, "Ok, come pick up the order." I was so relieved... then really nervous. I knew God wanted me to pray over my blood. I am not big on stepping out so this was hard for me. I left Lillie with my mom and headed to the blood center. When I got in to take my test it was the same woman who had taken my blood two weeks earlier. After she had taken the two tubes of blood I asked her ... "Would it be ok if I prayed over my blood?" She looked at me surprised... "umm Sure! Do you want to hold it?" I smiled, "yes!" So I took the blood and said a prayer. I prayed that God would give me the results I was looking for. I also prayed that God would bless this woman and all the people who would be working that night to test my blood. I was invigorated! It was like I was sailing with Jesus! I called Bj and told him what I did!

The count down... From that moment until wed at 9:15 felt like the LONGEST day and a half of my life. Finally it was here. Wed morning. I was sitting in the waiting room just crazy nervous. When Bj sent me a text.. "I love you, Our baby will be fine!" I sighed... man I love him! He was right.. why was I so scared? We had already claimed this baby would live and not die! When the ultrasound tech called me back I jumped up! Walking through the door I saw Dr Mc talking to her.. he was smiling SOO big... he looked at me and said "Stephanie this is a good pregnancy! I think the baby is going to make it!" My heart jumped! "I have been praying and praying Dr Mcafee!"
When I saw the baby on the screen I began to cry. THANK YOU LORD! I told the ultrasound lady (which I guess I should have asked her name but never did) "This has been the longest two weeks of my life.. but that is my baby! My miracle baby! God is so good!"
Later in Dr McAfees office he told me that I was right that the blood test was false. He said that even though he NEVER sees this happen the lab must have made a mistake. But I know it was God... He showed himself to me this month.

Thank you Lord for the blessings in my life. Thank you for all that you have done for me and all that you are going to do! I ask that you continue to wrap your arms around my new precious baby and keep this baby safe! I thank you for my child going full term and being born happy and healthy! Thank you for trusting us with this new gift of life! Please help us to raise this child to love you more than anything in this world! I love you! Bless Lillie this Christmas. Let me never take the miracle of her life for granted. Thank you for two amazing children! I thank you that even more than this baby... YOU are our Christmas Miracle!

... and I'll Run After You

Wow... it has been a LONG time since I blogged. I guess it would sound good if I said I have been too busy or simply forgotten, but in truth I think I was waiting. Waiting until life was wonderful and all my prayers had been answered. Well... like the song says sometimes we just have to 'praise Him in this storm..'

Let me update on some of the stuff from my last blog. I tried Clomid to see if it would help me Ovulate. We didn't really have the money but I did it anyway. (Bjs job had cut his hours DRAMATICALLY and it was only by the grace of God and our wonderful family that we have been able to make it. Thankfully the hours are getting back to normal!) It was HORRIBLE! (back to the clomid) Some people say that it doesn't bother them, but I am not one of those people... I gained 20 lbs in a month! I was SO depressed and cried all the time. And the pain... I had SEVERE cramps and bloating... and to top it all off I STILL DIDN'T OVULATE! You can imagine my frustration.. At the end of the month I made a command decision. I decided to officially give it over to God. So... I stopped. I stopped the clomid. I stopped the temperature charts and the worry and the guilt and the feeling sorry for myself. I just STOPPED! And now.. its been over 3 NON-PREGNANT months later... and I am OK! I am falling more and more in love with Lillie and feeling SO blessed by her. God will give us another baby when HE wants to or you know what? Maybe we don't need one!?! I feel so much peace in this decision its not even funny! I understand what it means to wait upon the Lord. It means to LET GO.

Now that I have that out of the way I can move on to some other issues that have arose... I have found some things out about myself lately... one is I HATE biology! lol I am currently in the hardest semester of college I have ever taken. I am feeling the pressure of grades for the first time. I think for a while things were coming a bit too easily for me. Its funny how much you start relying on yourself instead of God when times are good. I think He is reminded me where my strength comes from.. and my brains for that matter! I recently took a biology test (my third) I failed the first two and prayed and studied like crazy for this one. I got an 86 and you know what. PRAISE THE LORD!

I know this blog is a big mess of thoughts but please try to bear with me! :)

I had some bad news yesterday. I finally made it into the ear doctor to check my hearing ( I have not been in five years.) The last time I went my hearing was slightly impaired (about 20%.) Well, apparently they are MUCH worse now. It seems that I have the hearing of an old person and they want me to get hearing aids. The Dr was also concerned with the speed of my loss... Not that I was surprised. I made the appointment because it is so hard for me at school.. I sit on the front row and STILL have problems. I have been making Bj put the words on the screen of our rented movies for over two years now and I can no longer hear the beeps from the thermometer. However, even with all these signs... listening to the Dr say it was heart breaking. As I tried on the aids in his office I fought back the tears.. even now... I am confused and filled with a sense of loss. I have not told any of you (except my mom.) about the hearing aids yet so... SURPRISE! :) The even more saddening part is that I can not afford the hearing aids right now. The ones that I like are about $3800. So they will have to wait. Please pray for me in this area.

I think to lighten it up I will leave you all with updates. Lillie started school again in September she LOVES it and is SO smart! I am very proud of her. She has some new friends and it is so awesome to pick her up and have her tell me about her day and actually use names of who did what in her class... simple but in the life of a child its a break through! I cut my hair and I LOVE IT! Oh and did I mention I am still madly in love with my sexy hubby? Well.. I am!

So here are some pictures....

On a spiritual note I have been having some songs speak to me lately... one of them is "How he loves us.." and another one we sang on Sunday and it goes

"Draw me Lord.... Draw me Lord... Draw me Lord... and Ill run after you..."

I feel the need to cry out to the Lord..

Father God, DRAW ME! Please... just draw me close to you! Let me sit on your lap and have comfort! I NEED to feel your loving arms around me holding me and telling me everything will be OK. Remind me that you are my keeper in times of uncertainty. You are my rock. My shelter. Me refuge. My healer. My deliverer. My lover. My father and my friend. Bless the person reading this, give them a hope in times of trouble and supply all their needs. I pray that you help me to be the witness and friend I need to be to all that I know. Help me to see the needs of the people around me and give me the ability to meet those needs. I love you and I ask that you help me to show you more often. In Jesus name, Amen.

“I sought the Lord and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4

A New Day.

Well this is my first blog. I am a little nervous. I am thinking about how much these things really represent who you are as a person.. and in what direction you are heading. I want people to see the real me... and then again not the me I am, but the me I am trying to be. Does that make since? I like it when people add in pictures are really show you what they are talking about... hopefully I will figure out how to do all of that.

I recently (June 26th) celebrated my fourth year being married to BJ. WOW! It has been such an amazing journey. I remember when I first met him... I thought that he was SO on fire for God, but still a bit clueless. We were both trying to figure things out and I am so glad we gave each other a shot! Today, I look at Bj and its like he is a new man. Never would I have imagined being married to someone as God fearing as BJ. He is constantly encouraging me to become a better christian. How blessed I am to have him in my life! Did I mention he is just about the Hottest guy I have ever seen? lol I know, I know. He says I ruin things talking like that... oh well! lol

This past year has been a defining one in my life (not that being a wife and mother are not TRULY defining...) I finally decided to go back to school.. and WENT! I guess there are several people who got me to this point... Denise (the person I also thank for helping me make my blog...) who motivated me in ways she will never even know... and my sister Kim. Who, even though I hate to admit it, really pushed me to go back. She had started going back to school herself and who wants to be out-done by their sister? lol I am really enjoying this time in my life, even though its hard to juggle my house, my hubby, my toddler, AND school. I feel like I am finally coming into my own. It's so hard to explain how much this has changed me emotionally. I feel like my life is going in a direction, and that I am FINALLY 'becoming' my future.. instead of simply waiting for it to come to me. I am also finally pressing back into the word... or at least trying to. Bj has such big dreams for us spiritually.. I have been TERRIFIED! I am finally saying, "its ok God.. use me!"

Lillie turned 2 this year! She is turning into such a little grown person!!! Its so fun to watch her become this little lady. I can remember when I found out I was pregnant... All that I had went though in the 13 months before... taking test after test and not knowing how hard it would be to conceive, It was like God handed me this little wonderful gift in the form of a +. For those of you who would call that a plus sign, its not. It is a cross. It means redemption and I tell you it brought me to my knees! The first time I saw her, Bj and I just cried and thanked God... and now two years later I catch myself crying still. What a miracle! We just finished our second year of water babies. She did GREAT.. she was going under the water and blowing her bubbles. The last day of class she was even going under and picking up toys of the bottom of the baby pool! I am so proud. She is truly not a baby anymore. We are still struggling with the potty training issue... not really struggling... I am letting her go at her own pace. Which for me is WAY too slow! lol Knowing that the first time she peed on the potty was LAST year I get so discouraged, but I know she is well on her way and will get there when she is ready! She is so smart and gifted. I know that God will use her is such a mighty way! He has already used her to motivate me!

Speaking of my child... I guess I should write about the new baby Bj and I are going to have. :) No, I am not pregnant, yet. The bible says in Romans 4:17 that God "called those things that be not as though they were!" I am standing in faith and am doing the same! When I got pregnant with Lillie I wanted my kids to be 2 years apart. I had a 'plan' you see about how my life was going to go. Its funny because I didn't ask God about that plan, but He showed me I was wrong! We started trying about 10 months ago, yes that is a LONG time for a person whose child keeps getting OLDER and OLDER lol... now my 2 year old will surely be a 3 year old before a baby possibly arrives. I went to the Dr. in May and I found out that I was not ovulating. I tell you that hits you HARD when you are trying for a baby. I cried and cried after my doctors appointment and called Bj just sobbing on the phone. I have prayed a MILLION times that if it was not Gods will for me to have another baby for him to take the desire from me, but he never has. In fact I feel it stronger than ever now. So what was going on?? Bj prayed with me and a couple days later a peace settled in my heart. God was taking me a different way. We have been doing a body temp. chart since then and yesterday I started Clomid (a drug used to stimulate your ovaries) for the first time. I am so excited about this new chapter in my life. I am believing that God has already begun to answer our prayers! His word says, in Psalms 127:4-5, "Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." They say call in your blessings.. you better believe I AM CALLING IT IN! :)

Ok so I know this was a LONG one... but it was my first one! Hopefully, I will be on here blogging again really soon! I would like to leave with a short prayer...

"Father God, I thank you for this day that you have given us, and for the chance to praise your name today! I ask that you bless every person that reads this blog. Touch their hearts Lord. Bring them to a new place with you. Put a longing in them to worship and praise you like they never have, and to thank you for making them who they are. I thank you for blessing me with wonderful friends and family who Love you! Please place a hedge of protection around them and keep them safe! In Jesus name I pray, Amen. "